STEP #2. No Contact aka Give Yourself Time And Space

If you’ve been searching about breakups and getting your ex back online, you’d know that there is a thing called no contact rule. It’s simple and a very effective. All you have to do is stop all the communication with your ex for a short period of time. This includes

• No Calling
• No Texting
• No Facebook Messaging
• No Online Contact Of Any Kind (IM, Twitter)
• No “accidentally” bumping into them (you know what that means)
• No hanging out with common friends in hopes of meeting your ex

Why are we doing this?

For three reasons

1. Your ex needs some space and time to remove all the negative associations from the breakup and start missing you. People have a common misconception that if you don’t contact your ex, they will forget about you. But in reality, if you don’t contact your ex, you will give them time to miss you more and they will be wondering all the time why you are not contacting them. Remember all the mistakes in Part #1 of this guide. Every one of them made your ex think of you as a needy person. By not contacting them, you immediately become not needy in their mind.

2. You also need some space and time. You need to get a hold of yourself and gain some perspective. The fact is, you are a mess after the breakup. And you need to calm down and analyze your relationship thoroughly to realize whether or not being with your ex is in your best interest. It could be that you are just missing your ex. You need to learn to enjoy your life without your ex. You need to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your ex. You will eventually realize that you DON’T NEED YOUR EX to be happy. Maybe you’ll still WANT them, but there is a big difference between needing something and wanting something.

3. You must become an attractive happy person during this time. You need to take a step back and reevaluate your life. You should make a lot of positive changes in your life. When you meet your ex after the no contact period, you want them to be attracted to you. And the best way to do it is to start enjoying life and being an overall happy person. Don’t take this point lightly. This could be the difference between getting your ex back or losing them forever. 

Why You Should Wait Before Getting Your Ex Back

I recommend that you stay at least 30 days without contacting your ex. In this article, I am going to go on to explain some of the reasons why it’s highly recommended for you to for so long.

Reason 1: You and Your Relationship

You know how some people say they are addicted to their significant other? Well, in reality, this addiction is very real. And the best way to handle any addiction is to stay away from the drug.

I know that you want your ex back and you see no point in staying away from them when all you want is to end up in their arms. But, do you really think it’s the healthiest choice for you? Let’s just say you were addicted to heroin. And suddenly there was no where you can buy heroin. Would you use this as an opportunity to quit your addiction or would you travel to a different country just so you could satisfy your addiction?

You have to be sure whether or not you love your ex or you are just addicted to them before you get back together. There is no point in going back to an unhealthy addiction when it’s no longer in your life.

How do you determine whether you want to get back together for the right reasons? Here are a few points to help you go through.

1. Remember the relationship with your ex. Remember the time you spent together. Whenever you were together, did you feel great about yourself or did you feel insecure about yourself? If you felt insecure whenever you were with your ex, you are probably just addicted to him/her. On the other hand, if your ex made you feel secure, happy, and confident about yourself, then there is a chance that he/she might be worth getting back.
2. Do you just hate being alone? Does waking up alone in the morning makes you feel horrible about yourself? Do seeing other couples make you wish your ex was here with you at this moment? If so, then chances are, you are just addicted to being in a relationship. There is nothing special about your ex that makes you want to get back with them.
3. Do you think about your ex all the time, completely ignoring your life goals, your career, your health, and your sleep? If so, then you are just suffering from grief. It’s a completely normal reaction to a breakup. You feel like you are in chaos and the only thing that will bring you back to your normal life is your ex. In reality, your ex is the reason that you are in this chaos. It’s very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal symptoms after quitting. They feel like the only thing that can help them feel better is heroin. In reality, it’s the heroin that’s made them feel this way in the first place.

Reason 2: Your Mental Health

As we established before, you are not very capable of making huge life decisions after a breakup. And your relationships with your ex might not be as great as you thought it was. However, even if your relationship with your ex was great and getting back with them is in fact a great idea, you still need to take some time off to get back together.

When someone looks at you, do they see a confident person, or a needy one?

The person who just got dumped by the love of their life, usually becomes needy and desperate. It’s not their fault really, it’s everyone’s gut feeling to act this way. Every action they take and every word that comes out of their mouth reeks of neediness and insecurity from a mile away.

As I explained in the guide on how to get back you Ex, this neediness is extremely unattractive. Your ex probably already have a lot of reasons to not be with you (perhaps neediness and insecurity was one of them), and if you show them the needy, insecure, desperate side of you, they will be even more repulsed.

Now, I can tell you to just not act needy and desperate, but the truth is, if you feel insecure and miserable inside, you will show it on the outside. You can control your actions with great effort, but your face and your voice will give you away. And your ex will understand that it’s all an act.

If you take 30 days off to work on yourself and become a happy person, you will actually become a lot more confident and secure about yourself. And just as before, you will show confidence and happiness from your face that your ex will immediately notice.

Reason 3: Your Ex and Your Post Breakup Relationship Dynamics

If you are reading this, chances are your ex broke up with you. Even if you broke up with your ex, you wanted to get back together but your ex rejected you. In either case, your ex is the one who has all the power in the post breakup relationship. They are the one who left you and you are the one who is miserable without them. You are the one who would do anything to get back with them.

If you wanted to get over the breakup and move on, I would have told you to not care about the post breakup relationship and just move on with your life. But since you want to get your ex back, you have to not only care about it, but also control it.

If you tried to call your ex, text them, beg, plead, or anything that shows how desperate and needy you are without them, then your ex controls this post breakup relationship. However, by just stopping contact with them, you instantly regain control. When you don’t call your ex, they start to wonder why you are not contacting them. The more time you stay away from them, the more they start thinking about you.

In most cases, your ex is almost as miserable after the breakup as you. It’s just that your needy actions make them feel like they are in control of this relationship. It makes them feel like they can have you whenever they want. It makes them feel like they have all the power. Even though they are hurt from the breakup, the fact that a person so desperately wants to be with them gives them a huge ego boost. And that makes it a little bit easier for them to deal with the breakup.

If you take away that ego boost from them, then you are leveling the playing field. In fact, you gain the upper hand because if you stop contacting your ex, chances are they will contact you soon. And when they do, YOU DON’T PICK UP THEIR CALL. This might infuriate them, but it will also break their ego. It will also make them realize how much miserable they are without you.

Now, I don’t advocate playing power games when you are in a relationship. But this is not a relationship, it’s the post breakup relationship. And having power in this relationship is important if you want to get your ex back. Because the more power you have, the more attractive you are to your ex.

However, when you do get back together, I recommend you have a relationship based on honesty and understanding, instead of trying to control the relationship. Because only a relationship that is based on honesty and understanding can stand the test of time.

How long is the no contact period?

Basically, the no contact period should be as long as it takes you to get yourself together and feel great about your life without your ex. In my experience, it can take up to 30 days. However, in extreme cases, it could range from anywhere from 2 months to 6 months.

Should I tell my ex that I am doing no contact?

Ideally no. You want them to wonder what happened to you and why you are not contacting them. You want to be on your ex’s mind as much as you can. And telling them you are not contacting for some time will defeat this purpose.

However, if your ex is currently calling you everyday or texting you everyday, then yes you should let them know that you don’t want them to contact you for a short period of time. Don’t give them any specifics. Just tell them to not contact you until you decide to contact them. Let them know you need some space and time right now.

Wouldn’t it be rude if I don’t contact my ex?

Wasn’t it rude of your ex to break your heart and leave you begging them to take you back? And yet, you’ll still do anything to be with them. Sometimes, rudeness is not as bad as you think it is.

Besides, you are doing no contact for your own mental peace and well-being. There is nothing rude about taking care of yourself.

Should I answer my ex’s text during no contact?

NO. Absolutely not. Whatever happens, don’t answer their text.

Should I answer my ex’s call during no contact?

No. You shouldn’t answer your ex’s call. The only exception to this is if you are close to ending your no contact and you are already feeling great about your life. If you think that talking to your ex will have you obsessing about them again, don’t answer their call.

What if my ex moves on during the no-contact? What if my ex meets someone and get married during no contact? What if my ex forgets about me during no contact?

Good questions. And the answer to all of them is NO, THEY WON’T.

If you and your ex were in any type of serious relationship, then they will not be able to move on so quickly. In fact, no contact is only going to make them miss you more and remember the good things about you. You have to take a leap of faith over there. The alternative to no contact is being a creep and texting and stalking your ex all the time, which will probably lead to a restraining order against you. You really don’t have much of an option.

Can’t I make the no contact shorter? Like a week or a few days?

So, you want to give your ex a couple days break from your avalanche of texts and then bombard them again after a couple of days? No.

It takes time for people to remove negative association after a breakup and start missing their ex. You have to give it to them. Besides, you have to prove to yourself that you can live without your ex for at least 30 days. And more importantly, you have to work on yourself and become a more confident and happy person.  Unless you make a positive change in yourself, your ex will not be able to convince themselves to get back together with you.

The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need To Know About It

If you’ve been searching about information on breakups on the internet, then you’ve certainly come across the term no contact rule. It’s simple, you don’t contact your ex for a certain amount of time. However, it’s not an easy thing to do. In this article, you will find everything you need to know about the no contact rule.

What is The No Contact Rule?

The no contact rule simply means not contacting your ex. Let’s just assume your ex is a drug that you are addicted to and the only way you can stop addiction of this drug is go cold turkey. That’s exactly what you are doing here. You are going cold turkey on your ex. Because in many cases people are addicted to their ex and they do need a cold turkey approach to break their addiction. When you go no contact, it means

• No Text Messages
• No phone calls
• No going over to their house
• No accidentally bumping into them
• No Facebook messages or IM of any kind
• No contacting them via your mutual friends
• No status messages on Facebook (or any other social media) which are obviously meant for them

It’s exactly like going cold turkey on something you are addicted to. You don’t let even a small dose of your ex into your life. Because even a small dose can get you addicted to your ex again.

Why Do No Contact?

As I mentioned before, it’s like breaking an addiction to your ex. You have to learn to live without him or her. And no contact is the best way to do it. But you might be wondering why should you learn to live without them if you want to get back with them. It’s because unless you learn to live without them you will always be needy and desperate whenever you see them or talk to them and that will make you look unattractive to your ex. Nobody wants to be with a needy and desperate person and if you want to get your ex back, you will have to become a happy and confident person.

What to do during no contact?

Live your life. Do everything you can to make yourself feel better. Be your own best friend and take care of yourself because no one else will do it for you. No contact is the time to make yourself a happy and confident person. You have to learn that you don’t need your ex to be happy. In fact, you don’t need your ex at all. You may want them but you don’t need them. There is a big difference between wanting something and needing something.

Of course, this change in perspective doesn’t come on it’s own. If you just sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream, you are not going to feel better about yourself. That is why there are three categories of things that are mandatory during the no contact rule.

1. Physical Activity

The no. 1 most important thing you must do during the no contact period is some physical activity. There are many reasons for this. It releases endorphin that make you feel better. It will get you in shape, which will again make you feel better. And it will show if you want to meet your ex after the no contact period is over.

I recommend some sort of physical activity at least every alternate day. You can do tons of things including

• Yoga
• Gym
• Any type of Sports that you enjoy
• Crossfit
• Jogging

2. Social Activities

Even though every cell in your body wants to stay home alone and feel miserable for yourself, you have to force yourself to go out and have a good time with your friends. Your friends will make you realize that you are still loved and wanted by them. No matter what happens, you have your friends and family with you and that is something you should definitely appreciate.

You are also encouraged to go out on a date during the no contact period.  You don’t really have to jump into a relationship right away, but a few dates will give you an ego boost that will definitely help in the long run.

3. Relaxing Activities

The third important category of things you must do during this time is something relaxing. You are going through a hard time in your life and you are trying your best to cope with it. Why don’t you reward yourself with some relaxation? You can do a lot of things to relax; some examples are

• Yoga (serves Dual Purpose)
• Meditation
• Spa
• Massage
• A Relaxing Bath

What To Avoid During The No Contact Period?

You also have to be careful during the no contact period of certain things you need to avoid. This section is here as a warning sign because it is very easy to fall in this trap and just spend the entire no contact without making any progress in your life.

1. Obsessing Over Your Ex

You are not helping yourself if you are watching every movement of your ex.

It’s one thing to think about your ex every once in a while, it’s another to check your ex’s Facebook page the first thing in the morning and then keep on checking it every half hour through out the day. If you find yourself obsessing over her/him, then you need to take a step back and realize why you are doing this. A lot of people think the MAIN OBJECTIVE of no contact is that it will make their ex miss them and want them back.

You have to understand that even if your ex starts to miss you during the no contact and they contact you, they will easily pick up on your neediness and the fact that you are obsessed about them. And when they do, they will again lose their attraction.

You have to use the no contact period to stop the addiction of your ex. And as mentioned before, the only way to do it is go cold turkey. If you are checking your ex’s facebook everyday, then you must remove the source that is giving you a little dose of your ex everyday. In this case, it’s facebook. Delete your ex from your facebook or deactivate your account for a month.

2. Indulging in alcohol, drugs, cigarettes etc.

It’s easy to cover up your pain with alcohol or drugs. But it doesn’t heal anything and it will not make you feel better in the long run. It’s like putting bandage over a broken bone. It’s OK to drink once in a while, but if you are making it a habit, you are just decreasing your chances of getting back together. You are just replacing one addiction (your ex) with another. No ex will take you back once you become an addict.

Also, if you ever go out drinking with your friends, make sure you give the phone to your friends so as not to drunk dial your ex and make a fool of yourself.

How Long For No Contact?

It really depends on the type of breakup you had and how much desperate and needy you have been since the breakup. But I recommend a minimum of at least 30 days. However, if you think your breakup was exceptionally bad then you can go to 60 days or even 90 days.

What If You Break The No Contact Rule?

If you break the no contact rule, then it is highly recommended you start all over again. It’s just like breaking an addiction, if somewhere along the way you slip and start using drugs, then it’s better to stop it again and go cold turkey all over again.

Since the drug over here is your ex, and you are only suppose to go cold turkey for a month, that’s why you have to start the no contact rule from day 1 if you break it for whatever reason. The goal here is to prove to yourself that you can go without your ex for at least 30 days.

What if your ex contacts you? Does it count as breaking the no contact rule?

If your ex contacts you, it doesn’t count as breaking the no contact rule. However, if you respond to them, it is considered breaking the no contact rule. You are not to pick up their calls, text them or return their calls.

Of course, in case of emergencies, you can respond. But even in that case, the conversation should be strictly on the topic of emergency and nothing personal.

What if you have a child together?

If you and your ex have a child together, then you obviously can’t avoid meeting them for a long time. But you can still maintain no contact in this situation provided you follow a few rules.

1. You are not allowed to talk to your ex on any topic other than your child.
2. Whenever you see them; be amicable and treat them like an acquaintance you are in good terms with.
3. Never talk about your personal feelings or anything that is going in your life. Doing so is breaking the no contact rule.
4. Never badmouth your ex to your child. That’s just bad parenting.

What if you live together?

If you two live together, then I am sorry to tell you but your chances of getting back together are very less until you move out. Your ex is not going to miss you if they see you everyday. So, the best course of action will be to pack everything up and leave as soon as possible. However, in certain situations it is very hard to leave. In this case, make sure you follow the following rules for no contact.

1. Make sure you have a separate room. Make your own space and stay as much as possible in your own room.
2. Be a good roommate. You can talk about stuff related to household, but never about personal feelings. Not until the no contact period is over.
3. Don’t be a jerk and don’t put up with your ex if he/she is being a jerk. If they can’t handle being roommates with their ex, then it’s better for both of you to come up with a solution and live separately.

The Essence Of No Contact Rule

Think of the no contact rule as a detox for your mind and soul. In the end, it will be extremely difficult. In fact, the moment you decide to stop contact with your ex, you will have a sudden unbearable urge to call them immediately. That’s completely normal. Just remember, that urge is not because of the love you have for your ex, it’s because you mind and your soul are addicted to your ex, and you are just going through the withdrawal symptoms.

During the no contact period, your mind will try to play tricks on you. It will come in strong urges to call them or text them, to manipulative thoughts like “Just one text is not going to do any harm”, or “Maybe I’ll just check their Facebook page and say what’s up”. That’s a slippery slope. Remember, your mind will try anything to get a dose of your ex, simply because it’s addicted to it. And it is a master of manipulation. It knows all your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and it’s going to use them against you.

But you have to stay strong. You have to understand that you are not your mind. You have to become more powerful than those urges that you feel to contact your ex. Remember, your mind is hurt and it’s going through withdrawal, you have to treat it gently but not give in to the temptations. Do everything in your power to make yourself feel better, just remember that contacting your ex is not going to do it. If you contact your ex before the end of no contact, you are just going to make yourself feel worse and hurt your chances of getting back together.